In my teen years, I never really loved anyone but, who is now, my daughter father, but it was clear he didn't feel the same way about me. As I got older I had lost the will to love and became cold and treated every nigga bad, real bad. I started fuckin niggas and changing my number. I would diss them before they had the opportunity to diss me, even the ones that had really liked me. I had always been afraid of rejection. I hate to be judged and I'm super self conscious, but I was never the girl to lie about liking sports or video games to make myself more appealing. I like to party n drink, and thats what I did best.
At 20 I found myself in a relationship completely by accident. We were friends and the sex was amazing but, maybe because I'm just not shit, I cheated and got pregnant. I immediately cut ties with zero explanation. Horrible, right? I was literally two weeks when I found out I was pregnant. I couldn't hold water in a bucket. My pregnancy was fairly easy aside for not being able to eat anything. I lost a total 37 pounds before gaining 17 in my last trimester. Between the vomiting and the stress of potentially lose my family to the street or the next bitch I was smaller than I had been since high school.
After my daughter was born me and her dad separated and almost instantly I found myself in a whole new relationship. She was only 3 months old. I was happy right? Smiling 24/7, happier than ever. It was easy to get over my heartache with a new man around. My daughters dad had done exactly what I spent my teenage years avoiding, he broke my heart. I recently apologized to him for not giving our family affair shot, for moving on too swiftly and not ever really looking back to pick up the pieces. it just wasn't what I wanted, or so I thought, because the thought of him with anybody else turned my stomach. 3 years later and me and him finally have a FRIENDSHIP. Something that was nonexistent for years and I want nothing but the best for him, for my daughter.
Ok, so fast forward and now I'm married to my knight in shining. We never ever argued I mean NEVER. We could talk about any and everything from night into the morning. I only really knew the good. I never brought out the bad in him yet... Thats all it took, one whole month of trial and tribulation and instead of talking through our problems we both gave up, we both turned social media, and we both let our breakup, much like our entire relationship, be a spectacle for our city and they fed right into that shit.
From there I started dealing with a new guy with a whole family. I had become everything I hated. I was a homewrecker, I was so infatuated with him, and again was happy as I was once upon a time. Things never seemed to be what it was though, he didn't treat me like the other woman, I was the only girl in the world, let him tell it. But I knew better. No matter how many nights in a row he stayed away from home, I knew it would end sooner than later and one day I was woken up to by a text from his girl telling me I can have it raggedy ass and all the lies he had told her about me... I was immediately turned off and started back to doing me. Now I'm cheating on the guy I'm cheating on my husband with. Crazy as fuck.
May 2014 I left the city that raised me for Houston. I met a guy in July and fell hard. We made love so passionate and his love was like pure cocaine. He fucked my mind, body, and spirit. Where we both fucked up was when we both fell in love. There was too much on the line to walk away. I started to want to make him happy, while I was completely miserable because I knew my fairy tale ending was further away than it was when I met him. In the name of love I dealt with a new level disrespect, for a lack of better phrase. I began to resent him, we argued 90 going north, then makeup like nothing ever happened. The trust was long gone. I had stopped writing, wasn't doing radio, never went out nothing. I became a shell of my former self. I may had not given him total control of me, but I had completely lost myself. Falling out of love hurts more than a broken heart because my spirit has been broken. My faith in a functional relationship had diminished. The one who sees the healthy relationship daily in her mother and father now is unsure and insecure. I question whether I was worthy of something more than a 'situationship'... so the resentment grew, the bitterness grew, and the love is lost.
And now that all that sits behind me, I no longer have the fear of being alone and now I'm focused on inner happiness and peace for my soul. Iknow that shit sounds corny, but you gotta start somewhere right. I have been so embarrased at how much I changed. That shit is in the wind now...
Follow me on IG @BlondeGirlNok
FB fan page BlondeGirl Nok
SnapChat @BlondeGirlNok
BlondeGirlNok.blogspot.com
