July 28th, 2016

Truth be told, we're all broken. Someone in our life, at some point in time, let us down. I will be the first to stand up and admit this. I've never given myself the opportunity to heal from not one of my failed relationships until now. I've spent the last 9 months sleeping better, laughing more, and absorbing love, reigniting my own light. The freedom I've had not having to answer to any one person has been so new to me, but I'll admit that I miss being in love. 

Not that I'm 'looking for love', but I'm most definitely willing to welcome it with open arms. I've had to catch myself before repeating some mistakes that I know I have made in the past, like throwing unnecessary jabs and being vindictive or degrading. I know that, yes it will get my point across, but It will only harm our relationship in the long run. You can't take back hurtful words. The most important thing is to learn from experiences, both good and bad, and find your own prize winning formula to win at the game called life. 

The best way I've approached situations is to be completely candid. Lay it all on the line from the beginning. Be clear about what you want and don't want and let the other party decide whether or not they are willing to deal with such stipulations. Don't let your own insecurities over shadow things. I'm probably one of the most self conscious people you'll ever meet. I mean shit, most women are, and a man (or woman) that can play the game, WILL feed off of those insecurities making you question yourself even more. We constantly worry about what someone may say or think about us (as living over thinkers), which in turn limits us, stops us from reaching out highest potential. Not just in relationships either. 

For instance, I've been working on my book, but when I start to feel discouraged, or feel as though I'm not talented enough, I'll put it on the back burner. Then I'll come across some wild type confidence booster and be back on top of it like it's going to be the hottest book since Harry Potter. Ive never really had anyone outside of my family who pushed me to my full potential. Most of the time, we'll work toward his dream, and if and when that dream is obtained, then we can work on mine. Hence why I'm single. I have to find a happy medium. Someone who's just as about me and mine as I am about them. Someone who's priority is me first, so I won't feel so bad about going hard for them. 

Everything in my life goes full circle, as does the rest of the universe. Highs and lows, ups and downs. Nothing great comes from being comfortable. Ever. As of lately I had fallen back into a comfortable state. Once I put myself into and uncomfortable position, I began to see more and more blessings fall at me feet. 

The only thing I can say I took from my last relationship was that if I stay in one place, if I don't raise the bar for myself, I have nothing to reach for, and I will become complacent. If nothing else, he taught me that. Not sayin live beyond your means, but live with high standards so you have something to work for, if that makes sense. 

Set your standards for love, life, your dreams, and your career HIGH. If you have nothing to be proud of in your life, MAKE something you can be proud of and MAKE everyone pay attention. No one is going to give you anything, and if they do, you still have to work hard to keep it. 

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The Young and The Faithless

      It's rare that I find myself at a standstill, staring a page of paper with nothing on it, but that's where I have been... standing stagnant, with no real direction in my writing until I had a nigga ask me recently did I have faith in him. I just looked at my phone, laughed, and coldly replied, 'No...'  I have only put all my faith and trust into one man... and it has been like that since I met him. No matter how many times he lets me down, and I'm left peeling eggshell off my face, I do it all again, and I'll probably always simply because he makes me feel safe.

     Here's my thing, stand for what you believe in... not what your peers, your pastor, or your surroundings believe in. Not everything someone does is going to make sense to you, and that is because you were not made, built, or programmed to understand. Don't spend so much time trying to justify someone else's actions when they are put up against what you 'would have' done.  As unique as we are (or we try to be) we tend to move in a pattern, with the flow of the fish around us.  We are influenced (heavily might I add) by our immediate surroundings, may they be friends, parents, siblings, or whomever you spend the majority of your time with.

    I've put such a hard exterior up, like a bulletproof vest. I have made a reputation for myself that screams, 'Bitch I DON'T GIVE A FUCK' when really I give every fuck. So, instead of doing what I feel is right on the inside, I tend to make decisions based off what I think (or thought) everyone would expect me to do.  This left me feeling empty and I've wasted so so sooo much time, because now I'm back pedalling trying to fix the things I said 'Fuck it' to before.  DON'T BE ME!

    Companionship with little distraction is ideal for me, now anyway. I let social media and people in my circle dictate how I have handled past relationship problems. I let 'In house shit' be put in front of the public to be judge AND jury. In a world fueled by social media, private messages, and side pieces, a little distraction turns into a dissolution of your relationship.  With all this going on, how does one still have faith in their significant other?

    It has to be super power strength, jump off a building, tight rope walking type of trust that they're not out here doing some shit to make you look dumb that keeps relationships together now a days... and honestly that's some shit that you either have or you fucking don't.  That's not some shit that you just give to anyone... and honestly, I really don't know how one can earn it... It's like how people say they fell in love at first sight... when you meet someone, you just know.

     What I'm saying is, find someone that you CAN and WANT to have faith in.  Trust your gut.  Someone you don't even need a plan b or back up plan for. Don't be afraid to put your faith and trust into someone that you feel in your gut is worth it.  Lead by example... show them that you are willing to put in the work just like them and keep lines of communication open.  The era we live in today makes things hard BUT nothing worth having is going to be easy to maintain. Do me a favor and don't be afraid to fall in love whole hearted.  I want to show my daughter that LOVE is real and not just a word. Find the faith in yourself and put your best foot forward (and that is with anything that you plan to attach your name to not just a relationship). Don't limit yourself because of what your neighbors have or had... Find your own peace and happiness.

XoXo...

Nok

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