July 28th, 2016

Truth be told, we're all broken. Someone in our life, at some point in time, let us down. I will be the first to stand up and admit this. I've never given myself the opportunity to heal from not one of my failed relationships until now. I've spent the last 9 months sleeping better, laughing more, and absorbing love, reigniting my own light. The freedom I've had not having to answer to any one person has been so new to me, but I'll admit that I miss being in love. 

Not that I'm 'looking for love', but I'm most definitely willing to welcome it with open arms. I've had to catch myself before repeating some mistakes that I know I have made in the past, like throwing unnecessary jabs and being vindictive or degrading. I know that, yes it will get my point across, but It will only harm our relationship in the long run. You can't take back hurtful words. The most important thing is to learn from experiences, both good and bad, and find your own prize winning formula to win at the game called life. 

The best way I've approached situations is to be completely candid. Lay it all on the line from the beginning. Be clear about what you want and don't want and let the other party decide whether or not they are willing to deal with such stipulations. Don't let your own insecurities over shadow things. I'm probably one of the most self conscious people you'll ever meet. I mean shit, most women are, and a man (or woman) that can play the game, WILL feed off of those insecurities making you question yourself even more. We constantly worry about what someone may say or think about us (as living over thinkers), which in turn limits us, stops us from reaching out highest potential. Not just in relationships either. 

For instance, I've been working on my book, but when I start to feel discouraged, or feel as though I'm not talented enough, I'll put it on the back burner. Then I'll come across some wild type confidence booster and be back on top of it like it's going to be the hottest book since Harry Potter. Ive never really had anyone outside of my family who pushed me to my full potential. Most of the time, we'll work toward his dream, and if and when that dream is obtained, then we can work on mine. Hence why I'm single. I have to find a happy medium. Someone who's just as about me and mine as I am about them. Someone who's priority is me first, so I won't feel so bad about going hard for them. 

Everything in my life goes full circle, as does the rest of the universe. Highs and lows, ups and downs. Nothing great comes from being comfortable. Ever. As of lately I had fallen back into a comfortable state. Once I put myself into and uncomfortable position, I began to see more and more blessings fall at me feet. 

The only thing I can say I took from my last relationship was that if I stay in one place, if I don't raise the bar for myself, I have nothing to reach for, and I will become complacent. If nothing else, he taught me that. Not sayin live beyond your means, but live with high standards so you have something to work for, if that makes sense. 

Set your standards for love, life, your dreams, and your career HIGH. If you have nothing to be proud of in your life, MAKE something you can be proud of and MAKE everyone pay attention. No one is going to give you anything, and if they do, you still have to work hard to keep it. 

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The Young and The Faithless

      It's rare that I find myself at a standstill, staring a page of paper with nothing on it, but that's where I have been... standing stagnant, with no real direction in my writing until I had a nigga ask me recently did I have faith in him. I just looked at my phone, laughed, and coldly replied, 'No...'  I have only put all my faith and trust into one man... and it has been like that since I met him. No matter how many times he lets me down, and I'm left peeling eggshell off my face, I do it all again, and I'll probably always simply because he makes me feel safe.

     Here's my thing, stand for what you believe in... not what your peers, your pastor, or your surroundings believe in. Not everything someone does is going to make sense to you, and that is because you were not made, built, or programmed to understand. Don't spend so much time trying to justify someone else's actions when they are put up against what you 'would have' done.  As unique as we are (or we try to be) we tend to move in a pattern, with the flow of the fish around us.  We are influenced (heavily might I add) by our immediate surroundings, may they be friends, parents, siblings, or whomever you spend the majority of your time with.

    I've put such a hard exterior up, like a bulletproof vest. I have made a reputation for myself that screams, 'Bitch I DON'T GIVE A FUCK' when really I give every fuck. So, instead of doing what I feel is right on the inside, I tend to make decisions based off what I think (or thought) everyone would expect me to do.  This left me feeling empty and I've wasted so so sooo much time, because now I'm back pedalling trying to fix the things I said 'Fuck it' to before.  DON'T BE ME!

    Companionship with little distraction is ideal for me, now anyway. I let social media and people in my circle dictate how I have handled past relationship problems. I let 'In house shit' be put in front of the public to be judge AND jury. In a world fueled by social media, private messages, and side pieces, a little distraction turns into a dissolution of your relationship.  With all this going on, how does one still have faith in their significant other?

    It has to be super power strength, jump off a building, tight rope walking type of trust that they're not out here doing some shit to make you look dumb that keeps relationships together now a days... and honestly that's some shit that you either have or you fucking don't.  That's not some shit that you just give to anyone... and honestly, I really don't know how one can earn it... It's like how people say they fell in love at first sight... when you meet someone, you just know.

     What I'm saying is, find someone that you CAN and WANT to have faith in.  Trust your gut.  Someone you don't even need a plan b or back up plan for. Don't be afraid to put your faith and trust into someone that you feel in your gut is worth it.  Lead by example... show them that you are willing to put in the work just like them and keep lines of communication open.  The era we live in today makes things hard BUT nothing worth having is going to be easy to maintain. Do me a favor and don't be afraid to fall in love whole hearted.  I want to show my daughter that LOVE is real and not just a word. Find the faith in yourself and put your best foot forward (and that is with anything that you plan to attach your name to not just a relationship). Don't limit yourself because of what your neighbors have or had... Find your own peace and happiness.

XoXo...

Nok

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Don't call it a comeback...

                  

In my teen years, I never really loved anyone but, who is now, my daughter father, but it was clear he didn't feel the same way about me. As I got older I had lost the will to love and became cold and treated every nigga bad, real bad.  I started fuckin niggas and changing my number. I would diss them before they had the opportunity to diss me,  even the ones that had really liked me. I had always been afraid of rejection. I hate to be judged and I'm super self conscious, but I was never the girl to lie about liking sports or video games to make myself more appealing. I like to party n drink, and thats what I did best.

At 20 I found myself in a relationship completely by accident. We were friends and the sex was amazing but, maybe because I'm just not shit, I cheated and got pregnant. I immediately cut ties with zero explanation. Horrible, right? I was literally two weeks when I found out I was pregnant. I couldn't hold water in a bucket. My pregnancy was fairly easy aside for not being able to eat anything. I lost a total 37 pounds before gaining 17 in my last trimester. Between the vomiting and the stress of potentially lose my family to the street or the next bitch I was smaller than I had been since high school.

After my daughter was born me and her dad separated and almost instantly I found myself in a whole new relationship. She was only 3 months old. I was happy right?  Smiling 24/7, happier than ever. It was easy to get over my heartache with a new man around. My daughters dad had done exactly what I spent my teenage years avoiding, he broke my heart. I recently apologized to him for not giving our family affair shot, for moving on too swiftly and not ever really looking back to pick up the pieces. it just wasn't what I wanted, or so I thought, because the thought of him with anybody else turned my stomach. 3 years later and me and him finally have a FRIENDSHIP. Something that was nonexistent for years and I want nothing but the best for him, for my daughter.

Ok, so fast forward and now I'm married to my knight in shining. We never ever argued I mean NEVER. We could talk about any and everything from night into the morning. I only really knew the good. I never brought out the bad in him yet... Thats all it took, one whole month of trial and tribulation and instead of talking through our problems we both gave up, we both turned social media, and we both let our breakup, much like our entire relationship, be a spectacle for our city and they fed right into that shit.

From there I started dealing with a new guy with a whole family. I had become everything I hated. I was a homewrecker,  I was so infatuated with him, and again  was happy as I was once upon a time. Things never seemed to be what it was though, he didn't treat me like the other woman, I was the only girl in the world, let him tell it. But I knew better. No matter how many nights in a row he stayed away from home, I knew it would end sooner than later and one day I was woken up to by a text from his girl telling me I can have it raggedy ass and all the lies he had told her about me... I was immediately turned off and started back to doing me. Now I'm cheating on the guy I'm cheating on my husband with. Crazy as fuck.

May 2014 I left the city that raised me for Houston. I met a guy in July and fell hard. We made love so passionate and his love was like pure cocaine. He fucked my mind, body, and spirit. Where we both fucked up was when we both fell in love. There was too much on the line to walk away. I started to want to make him happy, while I was completely miserable because I knew my fairy tale ending was further away than it was when I met him. In the name of love I dealt with a new level disrespect, for a lack of better phrase. I began to resent him, we argued 90 going north, then makeup like nothing ever happened. The trust was long gone. I had stopped writing, wasn't doing radio, never went out nothing. I became a shell of my former self. I may had not given him total control of me, but I had completely lost myself. Falling out of love hurts more than a broken heart because my spirit has been broken. My faith in a functional relationship had diminished. The one who sees the healthy relationship daily in her mother and father now is unsure and insecure. I question whether I was worthy of something more than a 'situationship'... so the resentment grew, the bitterness grew, and the love is lost.

And now that all that sits behind me, I no longer have the fear of being alone and now I'm focused on inner happiness and peace for my soul. Iknow that shit sounds corny, but you gotta start somewhere right. I have been so embarrased at how much I changed. That shit is in the wind now...

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No Justice No Peace ...

It has taken me days to be able to put together the words to express my anguish about Mike Brown ... But here we go ...

The following is strictly the opinion of a young black woman, who is sitting back watching her race crumble... Me ... (My disclaimer) and I am angry, sad, and tired of black people only uniting when tragedy strikes us. 

FUCK THE POLICE !! 

I scream this doing my best Tupac impression. Actions like this prove that the value of our lives, our being the black community, is NOT held at any value. The orange haired pale faced Caucasian who walked into a packed movie theater and opened fire, he was not shot to death. A movie theater with babies (children) ... He was portrayed as a disheveled, mentally ill product of his environment. Yet Michael Brown, an 18 year old college enrolled, high school graduate, with NO CRIMINAL (let me repeat this key information) NO FUCKING CRIMINAL background was shot in the street like an RABBID ANIMAL!! 

Photos released by the media of Michael Brown kickin' it tried to paint a mural of him as a troubled teen. Saying he was possibly gang related because of the way he held his hands in a photo or two ... WRONG AGAIN !! Every person that has stepped up in behalf of the slain young man had nothing but good things to say, praising him for his good manners, cool demeanor, and bright future. I'm just completely disgusted with how they tried to infect the minds of America with bullshit before we really knew him, knew his background, knew his story. 

There is NO excuse for how Mike Brown was treated. No excuse for a mother not being able to identify that that was her child, for a mother to have to hear through the grapevine that the son that she nurtured into a young man with plans to better himself was brutally murdered in the streets by an officer put in his position to PROTECT. What further ads to the pain is that the officer was so careless to do it in the middle of a community. Now this woman has to live with seeing her son on every social media outlet, every news station, laying in the middle of the street with his blood creeping down the pavement (before the white sheet was covering him). 

I'm saddened, I'm deeply afraid, and I'm enraged. All of the above because I feel like although so much attention is being directed toward this case, not enough will be done to fix a broken community. They've started rioting, looting, and coming together as a unit but for what? I pray every night that the work these citizens are putting in in MO is not in vein. The police have decided to keep the officer in question's identity a secret ... Why? When he was on duty to PROTECT and to SERVE us, he used the authority and power against us. If your not in the streets to do as your supposed to do, which is to PROTECT AND SERVE the citizens of whatever city... Then what the fuck do you get up everyday and put that uniform on for. 

I'm waiting to hear more about this officer. Like does he have a history of violent arrests, was he a newbie maybe a little 'gun ho', or if he was 'scared' of the unarmed black man with his hands raised in the air begging for his fucking life. I'm sure he'll be releasing a statement similar to the latter of the three. That's a white man's (or woman's) favorite line in this country. 

As a black woman, I am not profiled by police, but I am profiled by citizens. Most people see my tattoos and chronic bitch face and assume the worst about me, then they get to know me or a scare the shit out if them with a simple BOO in there direction. Would that constitute some one to shoot me? Because of the way that I look? Because of what I post on my Instagram page? 

WAKE THE FUCK UP PEOPLE !! No one is goin to value our lives if we don't stop killing each other. I moved away from Pittsburgh PA in May ... And every week I'm seeing RIP SO AND SO or RWG SO AND SO ... It has to stop !! At some point it has to stop !! The police brutality, the black on black crime, the racism, the police department cover ups, it all has to stop. We are losing too many of our brothers !! Cousins!! Uncles!! Sons !! And fathers !! I'm screaming at you please hold your loved ones close to you !! Remind them that you love them and you need them around in this life time. There's too many forces working against us for our community to be so bitter and hateful towards each other !! It makes no sense !! 

I'm afraid for my nephews to grow up. I'm afraid for them to face society. I'm afraid to have to explain to my daughter how cruel our world is. One day she's going to ask how cases like Trayvon Martin even took place in a post civil rights movement era. How am I supposed to tell my daughter that the very people she should go to (the police) for help if I'm not around, are the very people who are killing our people in the streets of America like they're at war in Gaza. 

#HandsUp #DontShoot #JusticeForMikeBrown #JusticeForMikeBrown #JusticeForMikeBrown 

I am your voice young King and I will not go unheard ... 

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NoLivCANT

In light of the recent BULLSHIT that's been plastered all over my Instagram timeline (follow me @BlondeGirlNok) and national radio shows, I'm BACK !! If you haven't heard about the rumors of Jayonce having marital problems, it's likely you live under a rock. The most recent blow to the hip hop power couple is a poorly produced song by some bird named Liv who allegedly, didn't have sex with Hov, but connected on a "different level". Which to me is throwing salt in the wound because a man cheating on an emotional level is far worse than actually boning a bitch (excuse me for that but that was the best way to get my point across).

This chick is clearly an opportunist. She hops out the woodwork after whatever accusations were made and decided, what better time to launch me rap career. The pathetic part about it is you can tell she really put thought into the song. For one she ripped the classic 'I'm sorry Ms Jackson' track from OutKast. She's singing the hook and sounds like a mutt howling at the moon. Secondly the whole second verse she's not using word play but completely ripping whole lyrics from different Hov and Bey songs. She says, "Jigga man I don't care if you rap ... You gotta R-E-S-P-E-C-T that" "You got 99 problems, I ain't Trynna be one ... You gotta good girl, why she messin wit a bad guy" "Girls can't run the world fightin over men, all the single ladies better keep in mind, when the tables turn you goin be the wife". The production of the song is garbage, her flow is garbage, she's GARBAGE !!

Now that you have some basic background let me get ratchet and give you my rant about this busted ass bitch. How you coming for a billion dollar empire lookin like a bitch off the hoe stroll. Whoever dressed the bitch was dead wrong and who told her the comb over hair style was cute in her Walmart bra and panty set. Let's be clear, regardless of what you have to say, it will be far more respected if you put the time and effort into it to make it sound like something. She's judging Beyoncé about talking that 'Surfboarding' and 'Monica Lewinsky' shit but look at YOUUUU trying to capitalize off a demise of a relationship that isn't even in shambles. Baby girl you got what you wanted ... Your 15 minutes of fame ... Now go 'head on some damn where and pick up the pieces if your piece of shit rap career. I'm sure your not getting the feedback you wanted on this track. So now you need to apologize FOR REAL to the listeners of this bull shit. And please, no more singing. Find a ghost writer and bitch to sing your raggedy ass hook for you next jam. Your pathetic. Literally a peasant throwing stones at hip hop royalty. Your a nobody ass bitch who hung around Jay a few times and took his kindness for sexual advances. Your thirsty for attention. Now you got it, the whole world is laughing at your talentless ass, your a joke !! Your no Nicki, no Kim, or no E-V-E. I hope Remy comes for your head. Dusty trick.

And that concludes my rant ...

You can check out this disaster on YouTube and leave your feedback. This bitch MUST be stopped ... @YesLivCan ... Like Charlemagne said , BITCH NO YOU CANT !!  

Here's the link

http://youtu.be/CLbs1m9M5UM

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Man Eater ...

I've been thru my fair share of break ups, and consequentially, break downs. Something about the thought of things never going back to the honey moon stages eats me up. All the heartbreak I've endured has toughened me up tremendously. I find myself sitting back and plotting on n****s, like how can I mind f**k him. 

It's a viscous cycle. Nice girl meets a**hole ... He breaks her heart ... She turns into a b***h ... Meets nice guy ... Breaks his heart ... He turns into an a**hole ... Meets nice girl. I didn't realize how common my plotting was until I had a conversation with my home girl. She's a few years older than me but my mirror image. She (like myself) takes each encounter with men as a challenge.

I'm drawn more to the alpha male type. My Instagram bio reads 'Real light blonde b***h who likes fat boss n****s with beards'. I'm no skinny b***h so I prefer big burly beared grizzly bear men, but it goes further than that. I'm attracted to mentally strong men and I challenge myself to bring him to his knees and eat out of my palms. It's how the game has made me. Occasionally I find myself smitten by a guy like this but I never lose focus. I never lose my goal. 

When I meet guys I make it clear what I want, even if it's just his sex. I guess you can call me a woman of my generation ... A real BROAD. I don't sugar coat things and that seems to draw them in even closer. Once I've got my paws on them I reflect and pay attention, do the things he like, talk s**t, and make him fall in love. Then I don't have to call twice if I want it again. For some reason, the tough guys like when a woman takes control, show them who's boss. Remember, ladies, the power of the P is greater than any other force in the universe. 

At this point of my life, it's going to take King Leonidas himself to break me out of my cycle. 

So are you using your P to it's advantage... Or being used for his advantage? 

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A slice of humble pie ...

I don't know if every city is like Pittsburgh, PA ... But here, you find the same group of people supporting each other. And anyone outside that group, it be like fuck them. I mean honestly I do my best to show love but I'm not obligated to attend or support any one person or group. 

I base the way I do things completely off the vibes (for lack of a better word) I get from people when I meet them. Although I seem to be shallow or even sudity I promise you I'm not. I can be. But on a day to day I'm so regular. And if for some reason I treat someone bad it's because my first impression of them made me feel like they don't deserved my support. If I met you and you act shitty, guess what bitch!!  I'm not attending your event, I'm not reposting your flyer, I'm not mentioning it on the radio, NOTHING. I'm super petty. And I stand behind everything I do and say. Right or wrong. 

People kill me, I mean really fucking slay me to pieces. I sit back and watch all the dick eating that goes on on Instagram. If I think a bitch is pretty, I'm goin put heart eyes under her pic and show love. I'm goin give credit when it's due. If I don't think her (or his I don't discriminate) pic is cute, guess the fuck what ?! I'm not liking it lol I mean Seriously. And when I see her in the streets Im still goin speak. Simple as that. We don't have to be besties. No I don't have her number. No we ain't doin lunch. But I keep communication lines open n bull shit free in case I need her connections. 

I mean I guess what I'm saying is broaden your circle for professional purposes. I may not have the answers about this or that but because I try to make myself approachable I may know someone who can give you the answers you seek.

On NoChill radio last week we talked to two groups of party promoters. At the end of the show we all sat back and talked business. We came to the conclusion that it makes more sense to all come together to do things rather than dividing the city and fucking up any more money. Everything is about who you know. I never sat down with any of those people before. But I did then and I learned something from each of them. Sometimes it's ok to shut the fuck up and let information soak in. 

I get tired of hearing people complain about how people in Pittsburgh only show support to some people n not others. If you feel like what the fuck your doing isn't getting the attention it deserves then you have to put more effort into getting your shit sold to the masses. Nobody but you is going to give a fuck about your craft like you do. Don't complain about what someone else is doing !! Prefect your craft and marketing. Brand yourself !!

There is always going to be a copy cat out there so if that's the problem you have to think at least 5 steps ahead of the game!! If I see two people on Instagram selling the same product at the same price, I'm going to buy it from the person who when I seen out was cordial, smiled and was welcoming. Same for an event taking place. If when I had the chance to meet you in person and the vibes that came from you weren't humbled I'm not wasting my time or my fucking money. 

If your in the business your in to make money, be your brand 100% of the time. Some days I'm in a shitty mood but if someone stops me to talk about my craft, guess what? That shit is put on pause and I turn that shit to sugar and will hold conversations with complete strangers. If you expect to move higher on the ladder to success humble yourself and take what you do serious ... or nobody else will ... 

Look for my official website, featured interviews, and sponsorship opportunities.

If interested in being a part in anyway of the come up and for t shirt sales EMAIL ME AT WENEEDNOK@gmail.com !! 

Tune into NoChill Radio 

Every Thursday night 7:15-9:15

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