Lost && Found ...

As I embark on a new journey... A new chapter ... No a new book ... I look back at all the times I was broken and was left to pick up the pieces of my life. I spent the last 3 years on an emotional roller coaster that had no emergency brakes, shit no brakes at all, but I'm choosing now to bring this bitch to a screeching halt ... I've gone around so many times, that I've begun to be accustomed to the fucking bullshit. Living fast n daily a piece of me is left behind. 

Everytime I thought I reached a moment of clarity before, I was wrong. I had just switch the kind of jaded glasses. No situation was ever better than the other, it was just deteriorated me differently. They were trials that I had to experience so I can teach my daughter to maneuver differently. I'm grateful to have a corner of peace. I don't have the whole thing. I'm working on it though. 

In each bad decision I make (not made because I'm still actively making bad choices), I lose a piece of my sanity, I give away more of my power that I am so proud of. I have literally let someone else change me .... Mold ME !! ... Imagine that ... Someone having control of me ... I've been subconsciously manipulated into thinking what I've gone through is ok ... But in THIS moment ... THIS time I see things again differently ... Maybe not necessarily right ... But definitely different. 

So now here I am ... Walking around packing ... Reminiscing ... Packing ... Laughing ... Packing ... Crying ... Packing ... An I stop to think ... that this move is about to be phenomenal for me ... I almost let the opportunity pass me by ... Why? Because I was JADED ... I was made to believe that what was here ... In this small city ... Could surpass the possibilities that wait for me anywhere else ... An I do mean ANYWHERE BUT HERE. 

So I'm moving now ... And en route I'm finding small particles on the floor in the house my mother and father raised me in ... And they look familiar ... I touch them and they feel like I've touched them before ... I'm staring at them in awe of what I see ... And I realize that they are pieces of the old me ... Broken pieces that I left behind each time I let a nigga break me ... And I'm piecing them together and seeing the girl my mother and father raised ... Pieces of me that I assumed were lost !! 

This move I'm making is going to break the vicious cycle I have been in the last few years ... This is a move in the right direction. I'm busting out of my comfort zone in order to continue to build for my family in the future ... They say never regret anything ... But I regret everything but the birth of my daughter and my blog ... 

This is the end ... And the beginning ... 

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If interested in being a part in anyway of the come up and for t shirt sales EMAIL ME AT WENEEDNOK@gmail.com !! 

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Moment of clarity ...

There's more to life than what's tangible ... You know ... Like what you can physically touch ... Being able to satisfy all 5 senses and then some is where I desire to be in the long haul. Let me elaborate. I need to wake up everyday and see my daughters smile, hear her laugh, touch the man of my dreams, breathe in the sea breeze, taste the sweet flavors of tropic fruit, say what I want, be who I want, live comfortably, to my standards, and be care free !! I intend to do whatever it is possible to get there. I just want to be able to genuinely smile, laugh without holding back, and be loved for me and not what I can do. 

Knowing what's good for the moment and what's good for your soul is distinguished only when you've reached the very end of your rope and you have no where else to go but up. Sometimes you have to be at your lowest point before you can begin to see things for what they truly are. When the chips fall, pay attention to who's there helping you pick them up, both literal and metaphorical. I find most of the time when shit really matters only a few people sit in my corner just waiting for when I call. And I love each and every one of them for it. Cherish those people, make sure they know they're appreciated because fuck tomorrow, today isn't promised. 

Trial, error, and death are the only thing guaranteed in life. Until you get to a satisfying plateau, there will be a series of ups and downs. You just have to remember when you hit a low to look forward to the greater good that is about to emerge from the shitty situation that you've found yourself in. Dust yourself the fuck off and use what you still have to start over.

You'll find yourself outgrowing people. And that's fine. Do not let them make you feel bad for shedding old skin to grow. Life is about growth.You can't continue to do the same things but expect different results. 

People will place themselves in your life strategically to reap YOUR benefits. Don't let those people bleed your dry. Don't let people distract you from or discourage you from finishing the race to finish line. 

Anyone in your world who shows any doubt, any envy, any jealousy, any sense of spite ... Cut them off immediately. Those will be the people who will despise you for your growth but have their handout for the fruits of your labors. Surround yourself with positive people with goals that surpass yours. Trust me, that may sound crazy, but you'll never make it where you want to be if you don't meet people that have already been there. Drink from the knowledge that drips off of them!! Collect the jewels that they drop and learn from every mistake that they've made. 

Look for my official website, featured interviews, and sponsorship opportunities.

If interested in being a part in anyway of the come up and for t shirt sales EMAIL ME AT WENEEDNOK@gmail.com !! 

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Just a simple rant ...

I've been battling some inner demons lately about decisions I've made or didn't make these past few years. I know y'all was like damn bitch what's the hold up ?! Nonetheless ... I'm BACK ... 

What do you do when you've come to the end of your rope ... When your exhausted all your solutions? That's where I've been for the past two months. Trying to figure out my place. 

Stepping out of your comfort zone requires you to make changes. Some of those changes may be letting go of things your really not prepared to but in order to move forward you have to let go of the baggage. You can only hope later that the decision that was made was the right one. 

You have to cut off an infected limb to save the rest of the body, but the say don't cut off your nose to spite your face. I know I'm not the only one out there living in limbo. I just don't live in the shadows. Pittsburgh is a small town and I'm working on becoming a big fish so in turn people pay attention to what I do and how I do it more than they do the average joe. So when I make decisions, before I say things, before I post things, I have to already have in my head what the possible outcomes will be. What backlash may emerge, or if a bitch might wanna beef. 

I'm not the type to say, oh no, I'm not worried about what people think of me, because I do. What someone says about me can tarnish my reputation and fuck up potential business. And I'm all about my business. I'm about my money, who's not? That's no secret. Let's not be dumb, my name makes me money. Why the fuck would I condone anyone throwing dirt on it. 

I'm on a permanent grind for more reasons than one. I have my greatest accomplishment (my daughter) watching my every move, I have a whole list of people preying for my plummet, I have my parents behind me who had one vision for me and because I have strayed away from THAT I have to make THIS work. Nothing's ever guaranteed, but I can promise that this is only the beginning. This is only the platform for greater accomplishments. 

I don't know where it will take me, people ask me all the time what my ultimate goal is. I have yet to really determine that BUT I know the top is looking real good, and I'm going to do whatever, use whatever resources, outlets, or whatever the fuck to get there. I can stress to you guys how much I appreciate the support !! I am looking to expand because Pittsburgh is only the beginning. And when I break from here ain't nobody fuckin with me. 

Now that I've broke 20,000 views I plan to expand. So look for my official website, featured interviews, and sponsorship opportunities.

If interested in being a part in anyway of the come up and for t shirt sales EMAIL ME AT WENEEDNOK@gmail.com !! 

Come out tonight to support a great cause !! 

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Insecurities !!

From what I've encountered first hand, tapping into a mans deepest feelings is like sneaking into Fort Knox. They lock their true feelings away and wrap them in barbed wire. For the record fellas... It's annoying as shit. 

Guys seem to know how to divert attention away from them when the heats really on. They love to flip things back into whomever. Their defenses immediately emerge. Trying to get them to answer simple questions is like persuading a 1 year old to effectively use the potty. 

I know a lot of y'all who need a little 'liquid courage' to say what you've always wanted to. A drunken mind speaks the truth, whether they mean to or not. It can be a gift and a curse because, yes, they've gotten something heavy off their chest, but the delivery is all wrong. 

Men shield their insecurities because society has painted a standard for them to follow. Please keep in mind a lot of these standards were put in place ages ago and don't apply today. So when against a woman of this millennium, old fashioned ways only get mocked. Women are now being brought up to be less defendant on men so for a guy to be completely macho cause a clash if personalities. 

If a man (or woman) can not embrace their insecurities and work towards some sort of change, a healthy relationship is next to impossible to obtain. I can guarantee that is in the top 5 reasons people separate, because they can not be completely open and honest. 

Being open and honest does not mean point fingers at your partner, but be able to identify and accept your flaws, Working towards that change ... together ... That goes for any kind of relationship ... Friends, lovers, etc. 

Insecurities can and will manifest into something far worse than what they began. I've had some serious issues with insecurities and they have destroyed great friendship.  I've let my insecurities alter my psyche and done some crazy things to people, hurt a lot of feelings, lashes out at right and wrong people about things not in my control. But I accept responsibility, I don't apologize because I always mean what I say, the delivery may have been harsh, but those were just MY insecurities in living color. 

XOXOX - BlondeGirlNok

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I'm open to suggestions !!

Just reach out !! 

The Cupid Struggle

Valentines day brings the best and worst out of people. Either people are really happy about the holiday, or really fucking miserable! Where's the medium? Well I'm here tap dancing in limbo. 

The really happy end of the spectrum is filled to the brim with people flooding their social network feeds with love quotes, gift pics, and 'FlippaGrams'. I love to see people who genuinely are in love, hell even in like with a muh fucker. People who keep their relationships fresh (whether for the public eye or not I'm not here to judge). 

At the opposite end of things are the Bitter Betty's and Bob's who are sitting back despising the thought of love. I ain't mad at y'all either. Clearly something has spoiled your Valentine's Day chocolates and your here to let it be known. (Posting pictures of Cupid getting shot and shit. Damn homie !!) 

Last but not least are my favorite kind of folk, the people who don't care about the holiday enough to post a million tweegrams about how much they don't care about the holiday. The ones who picked up overtime at work to scream, 'My Valentine is Ben Franklin' ... Not workin at McDonalds booboo !! But again, I'm not here to judge you. Be great. 

Finding love is an amazing thing. Loving whole heartedly, living happily, being united with someone who's best asset is you is an amazing thing. When you find it, hold on to it, fight for it. 

I believe in a higher being who gives and takes people and opportunity. Sometimes things (or people) are presented to you as a challenge. It's up to you to make the right decisions. This Valentines day I challenge you to do something different. Make a long lasting memory with someone you care about. 

Happy Valentine's Day from me && Mine !! 

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Thanks for your support

XOXOX - BlondeGirlNok

Urban Myth ...

Before I begin let me provide my disclaimer ... My opinion on this subject is biased because of my past ... BUT I will try my hardest to speak on behalf of all sides. If you know me, you know my story (or the gist of it) so I'll keep it out of this. 

Ladies ... Contrary to popular belief ... A BABY WILL NOT KEEP A NIGGA AROUND !! A baby will not keep your nigga from cheating, from leaving, from creeping, from NOTHING !! And in the same breath, FELLAS, just because you have a baby with a shorty does NOT mean she's yours forever. 

For whatever reason, some women use babies as a manipulative ploy to keep a guy around. If your doing it to nab a nigga from the next bitch, chances are you just made yourself a permanent side piece. You'll do whatever it takes to divert him from his woman and that means you'll accept your place as number two. Check this out though, if you make that bed, LAY IN IT, don't try to climb your way to the top. 

I'll say sometimes it works though. I know guys who keep their baby moms around on the strength of their kids. To me, it looks like it's out of sympathy. He'll do whatever possible to keep all parties happy, main bitch, side bitch, baby mom, new girlfriend ... Etc.

On the other end of the spectrum, their are guys who think because they got a bitch pregnant, that she won't leave him. Like she's a permanent part of the team. Some girls fall in line with every other girl, others stand apart n dare to be different. 

The most important part in all the drama are the kids involved. You can't let them see the craziness. You can't mom or dad bash to them. You have to have THAT much respect. 

Here is a small note to new girl friends coming into a scenario from me to you ... If you get yourself involved with a guy with kids, please let the love you gain for those children be genuine. Do not force it to make your man happy. It only makes things worse, and it's transparent as ever. If you whole heartedly fuck with his kids, good, life's about to be so easy. If not, prepare yourself because shit is gonna be tough. If you have a hard time accepting things then remove yourself because a woman's or man's love for their children may be the only thing they have in common and it'll be used against you ... 

Either way it goes, someone ends up being an on going headache. Whether it's the bitter baby's mom, jealous baby's dad, or the selfish side bitch. So tell me this ... Which one are you? 

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Thanks for your support

XOXOX - BlondeGirlNok

Black girl problems ...

(Photo credit my girl Necca - @westsidestory412 on Instagram) 

Ask me if I'm mixed ... ONE. MORE. TIME... I swear, when I come outside, at least ONE person asks if I'm mixed. The answer is no. Nothing against people who are, I'm just not. One thing about black folk is we come in an array of colors ... From midnight black to high yellow, and that can be in one family. 

I often joke that I'm dark skin on the inside. I'm not the stereotypical, hair flippin, high horse riding light skin chick (unless I have to be). 

Now don't get me wrong... When I'm out with my girls or my man and I'm super dolled up and my face beat to the GAWDS, then yes, I find my seat high up in the nose bleeds. The look on my face is a plastered smirk, but when I'm chillin' though, on a day to day, or behind the bar, I'm super approachable.

In a lot of women of color, there's an underlying hate for one another. I know light skin women who wouldn't  give a brown skin chick water in a sand storm (and vice versa).

If you walk into a room full of women your judged before you even make it to your seat. That shit kills me. I know this because I catch myself doing it sometimes. I never speak on no shit until I've done my investigating though. And that's only if it's worth it. If I know I'm goin to see this person again. If not, it's in the wind. 

I'm all for empowerment. I can't stress this enough. 

We as women have so much to offer but because we are preprogrammed to be a certain way things don't get accomplished as they should. I love to see a woman who's on her shit without bragging. A woman who can humble herself without being asked. Good is never over looked. 

Try to spend less time pointing out the bad in the person next to you and more time fixing the wrong within. Self confidence shines brighter than any jewelry you can cover yourself in. Self confidence speaks for you. Once you rid yourself of whatever hate you have inside, it shows on the outside. 

I'm still working on myself. I don't want to sound self righteous and like my shits together, 'cause it ain't. But I promised myself that I would make the changes necessary so my daughter has something worth looking up to. Something she sees everyday so she doesn't have to seek it anywhere but home. 

It's our responsibility ladies. We are the ones raising the next generation of black women ...

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If you have any topics you want me to harp on, inbox,dm, or instaDM me. If it's relatable I'll get right on it. 

Thanks for your support

XOXOX - BlondeGirlNok